Panic Attack

I'm not sure what's different but my body has been changing a lot this year. I can actually feel hormonal shifts. I cry every few weeks, hysterically. I have more fear than usual. I think about going down hill fast (as in traveling down the mountain in the car) and my stomach plummets. I have always feared dropping and heights- but it's gotten a lot worse.

I rode Mission Space at Epcot this summer and spent far too much time worrying about the sensations I would get from the created G-force. Then Space Mountain made me want to vomit and die when I had rode it at least 5 times during my last visit and thought it was the best ride on Earth. I was so excited and I don't think I can go ever again. I nearly had a heart attack.

Yesterday, I went to Walmart (and I had also gone the day after Christmas). I had an actual panic attack in the store. I've thought I had had panic attacks in the past but this sensation was completely new to me.  So I'm guessing I used to have anxiety attacks, but not panic...

I felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I couldn't breathe. My stomach hurt. My vision got a bit blurry and dark around the edges. My world felt fake.

That's one thing that used to happen to me that hasn't in a long time. I would have moments where I almost felt like I was seeing outside my body. Life felt fake and sometimes all too real. It's extremely hard to explain. It was a Matrix like feeling and this was before the Matrix.

I'm not at all sure what's happening to me. I'm sure that it's all stress related- but it still overwhelms me. 

I could not calm down all night last night. I felt like a bundle of nerves. Slightly shaky, no desire to eat even though I needed to, my core feeling like it was a time bomb.

I ended up taking a Klonopin which helped slow the feelings even though this time I could feel them behind the little high I got. Usually they disappear completely and allow me extreme focus. I don't take Klonopin a lot- only when I need it. 

I guess a trip to the doctor is in order soon. 

 

 

Carrie Fisher

Carrie Fisher. I have all these thoughts I want to say and no words that form a coherent sentence. To the woman who played the role of one of the strongest most independent women that has actually helped shape me into the woman I am today...To the woman who suffered through mental illness and told her story, making it easier for all of us to speak up... To that beautiful lady and overall badass woman... sigh.

RIP Carrie. 💔

Fuck this year.

 

frustrating

It really sucks when the one person you want to talk to is the one person you're unable to talk to. 

This isn't about anyone in specific, I just find myself thinking about a few people and how I want to talk to them. Even if I did talk to them they probably wouldn't listen.

Oh well, that is life. 

Gifts

I pride myself on good gift giving. I like to think of myself as a good shop owner because I like to learn about the people  who buy my pieces. For instance, this week when selling a television, I was going to include a pair of matching stud earrings in the box. It hit me that the buyer had mentioned a pair of dangles I sent them and how it had changed their mind on dangles.

I had a sale and she bought the pair (well same style/color) that I had already sent several days prior. She got her package 5 minutes after deciding to buy the dangles I had just posted. It was one of my finer moments. I also try hard to remember little things like who can't wear earrings and other quirky details.

So, when I say that I take gift giving to the extreme- I mean it. I play all ideas and all angles. Last year my best friend and her husband (who happens to be my other best friend's brother- they met at my party though I can't take much credit except for providing food and shelter) threw their annual Ugly Christmas Sweater Party. They decided to have a white elephant ornament exchange.

They sent invites out in early November and I spent a lot of time working on ornaments. I settled on an ugly Christmas sweater ornament that I found randomly at Hobby Lobby (of course when I wasn't actively searching) for me to bring. I found a Mr and Mrs Claus set made out of panty hose for my husband's ornament. Did I mention they were naked with little butt cracks and all? Hehe. 

Imagine this type of doll... I really wish I had a photo but it's on my old phone. 

 

I'll give you a guess at who had the two most stolen ornaments. 

Tonight, I spent some time working on trying to narrow down my gifts for a secret Santa exhange. I've got a ton of ideas, so many that buying one thing almost feels like a betrayal to the other potential things.

But, after some searching, I came across the one idea I really wanted to get. So, yay! That's one step closer to being done! 

I love Christmas! Now, I'm not overly religious. I am one of those horrible humans that enjoys it for the gift giving. Why? Because, I really like to spend time finding things for the people around me that I care about.

For me, it's not about the deals or the receiving. It's just taking time out to think about the people in my life. Their interests, their joys, and what I can give them to put a smile on their faces. Because, the season to me is more than shopping, religion, or colors. It's being with and thinking of the people you love the most.

That being said, I can't wait to go visit my parents! I won't be there for Christmas but I'd like to be there by New Years... which is something I also associate with my parents. ❤️

...

Sometimes I wish I could just run so far away from everything and everyone and just live in a hole. 

My favorite show

Today, the revival season of my favorite show aired. I have been waiting for this day for almost 9 years. My heart broke the day the show ended. My best friends had disappeared. I had learned that the revival was going to happen exactly one minute after Gilmore Girls made the first post on Facebook. One minute. Right time, right place, major dancing happened.

 Through the years I was asked what my favorite show was and I always thought of Gilmore Girls. To me nothing can even come close to it. 

These women are my role models and my friends. When they cried, I cried. When they loved, I loved. They are more than characters to me and I'm not the type of person to really feels that deep about fictional characters.

Everything in life can pretty much be related to with a scene or quote from this show. I should know, I've seen every episode at least a dozen times and some a lot more than that. I've made so many people watch it with me over the year and I have so many theories! 

This season (because I refuse to see this ending as the end until I'm told otherwise) has sparked so many thoughts in my head. I cannot wait to watch it all play out (I really hope it gets the chance). 

I cannot express to a normal person how much emotion I have today. I'm running low on sleep and crying like a baby, replaying scenes and playing close attention to certain things that are said and looks that are made.

My obsession with this show, shows no bounds. I would just die for confirmation of another season as a Christmas gift! 

Thanksgiving

It's funny how much holidays change over the years. When I was little, We would have Thanksgiving at my Babcia & Jaj's house (Grandma & Grandpa). The entire family would come and we were all so close. 

During my younger years that meant that on Thanksgivintg Eve my cousin Stefanie and I would watch a magic show on TV (because they always had a magic show). Her mom would peruse the Black Friday ads. Then we would all play hide and seek until we decided to put on a magic show of our own on Thanksgiving day. My aunt Teresa would assist us and also give good hiding spots. My Mom always made Thanksgiving dinner with my Grandma. The men would watch sports, hang Christmas lights, and do manly things, I guess. I have no idea actually! Haha! 

Later, during my teen years, I spent most of my time with my little cousin (9 years younger??) Karena. She and I became pretty close and I would have a lot of fun with her. These years, food also started becoming the main event- and not just the cheesecake but all the foods. But, I would carry Karena around on my back and we would go look at snow and all sorts of stuff. 

Recently, any of us who could gather, would go to Babcia's for Thanksgiving. During my two years I spent in Alabama a while back, I even made it for one. My family as a whole doesn't talk much anymore. Some relatives just don't get along, but that's another story for another day. A story that starts with me meeting my husband, actually. Go figure.

This year is the first year that my Grandma isn't in her home. Thanksgiving was always her holiday too (as she was the one throwing it). She's currently living in a care facility in Iowa near my uncle and his family. She also recently broke her legs due to an accident there. I hope my Uncle will visit with her tomorrow- if they can't take her to their house. 

My parents will be having a nice dinner with my Dad's side of the family in Florida. Sunny Florida. Sigh. 

And, I have no major plans as of yet. My sister-in-law is in Kansas City and my brother-in-law is in Arizonia. My Mother-in-law cannot have salt or normal food. It's kind of a pitiful holiday this year.

I'd love to be in Florida with my parents, of course. I'd also like to see my Grandma- so long as she can curb the "get a job" speech.

But, that's life. I miss my family this year- but we will make it work in the long run!