It’s hard to get by on days ending with y.

self care

Self care. That term has been thrown around a lot in the last few days leading up to the new year and following into it. I’ve noticed it a lot this year. I’m not sure if it’s always around and I miss it, or if it just pertains to me so I see it.

Either way. 2018’s main goal for me is exactly that: self care. Day one started with a Wonka-esque crash through the ceiling. I wasn’t in the elevator in the scenario, just standing wherever all that glass was falling.  Intent on my own demise.

Today, I woke up to the shortest nightmare I may have ever had. In my dream, I received a message. A message I had recently sent, only worded differently. It was the biggest slap in the face that my brain may have ever given myself. 

While I lay in bed conscious only of my racing heart- I realized what a selfish shit I was. My first thought was to apologize to the person that I had this conversation with, realizing only now just how absolutely stupid I was. (I knew it all along but the little taste of my own medicine was truly the cherry on top). 

But, I didn’t apologize. Words truly mean nothing in the grand scheme. I continued to toss and turn and I developed another feeling- the desire to take care of myself.

A good friend (a someone I don’t really know, but who is always there and jumps on me when he knows I’m struggling all the way back into my college days) provided -coincidentally- an article that needed some RE-reading. 

Everything I have done in the last week was completely against self-betterment. Every damn thing.  And, I hurt several people along the way due to this state of recklessness. 

I can no longer be this person. I must be calculating. I must learn from my mistakes and allow them to move me. I must live.

It’s a hard thing to do. I’m a sheltered woman that has grown afraid of everything around her. But, I got myself to this place. 

However, beyond that scared woman- I am extremely strong. I’ve pulled myself up off the floor and developed skills. I’ve created two jobs. I’ve become creative and I share my creations with others. 

This is where the article and my brain collide. If I could be strong enough to develop myself through my careers and hobbies, I can be strong enough to develop myself into whatever I need to be to grow. To be good. To not be afraid.

Figuring out that I needed to make this leap has been a long time coming and my feet have been dragging for quite some time. 

Today, in my brain- I took a baby step. I told myself what I need to fix. I gathered up the tools I know I have, and I am now trying to figure out how to use them to get me to take a big step. Then another. And another. Until I am at a run. 

Because that’s how I’m going to be doing things. This isn’t a resolution. This is me- realizing that in order to be beneficial towards anyone but my bed- I need to take care of me. 

Please note that it’s not necessarily my intention to make a blog at this time. I am using this place as a way to talk through my issues. Writing has always been that for me. Currently, some issues may seem like incoherent rambling. One day they may be complete nonsensical or completely clear. I’m not sure where writing will lead me- but I do know that it’s one of the best things I can do for myself.

2018

Hi old friend. 

They say that what you do on the first day of the year predicts what the rest of the year holds in store for you. 2017 was spent on a beach with family- immediate and also my Mom’s cousin and daughter. 

2017 brought me a lot of new friends and acquaintances. In a way, the beach stayed with me. I had a decent year. I was always surrounded by love in some form or another, just like the beach is for me- I guess you could say.

2017 was one of my more depressed years. It’s been a struggle to get through the anxiety and depression that seemed to arrive with the 2016 Christmas season. I spent several months medicated- but it took a beating on me physically. After quitting my pills- I continued to struggle- but tried my best to hide it.

Of course those that knew me well enough could see that I was having problems.

2017 brought great work to me and several successes. It brought a few people into my life that I never knew I needed there. It brought a person back into my life that I needed, though I had never realized it. 

Each of these people, both new and old have helped shape my year. While some proved to only be friends when they needed things from me- others proved that friendship can be completely unconditional. 

I learned a lot this past year. About life. About me.

The first day of 2018 has been extremely overwhelming. I’ve been laying in bed with thunder in my heart. My back is sore. I woke from bad dreams and fell straight into a pit of despair.  My cough from my recent flu is still present and won’t go away.

Physically my pain is nothing. Below it all, to my very soul, there is a pain that I’m not sure I’ve ever felt in my life. A pain that is persistent and strong. Knives literally cutting at the fiber of my being.

Why? Because I am afraid. Because I am weak. Because I know what’s logically the correct step but I’m afraid to stand up and make it happen. 

Fear rules me. Fear has ruled me for years. 

So, to the saying of the first day of the year predicts the rest of the year- how do I see that? Well, my usual self would say 2018 is going to be full of depression and anxiety and everything I feel today. Because that’s my usual. 

But, honestly, down there with that knife and tearing of my soul- do you know what I feel? I feel that this day will lead me to better days. Better things. A better me. 

Even in this pit of absolute depression- today I let in a little light.  

There is a small part of me with hope. And hope can heal all- if you just believe in it. And, I’m going to believe in it. I’m going to grow it. Celebrate it.

I guarantee anyone reading this that if I’m alive by the end of this year, the last day of this year will be the exact opposite of the first because the first day lead me there. 

Onwards.