2016

I'm not sure what I feel about this year. Some amazing people died and that really sucks. 

Personally, I moved away from Indiana for the second time in my life. Most days I'm thankful that I'm not freezing! Most days I also miss my friends.

My Grandma got put in a nursing home- but she needed to be somewhere where she could be help beyond my parents.

My parents moved to Florida. It's so much fun to visit their new home (though it's always fun to visit them). But nothing beats going South to see them! 

As stated in a previous post, my anxiety has shot through the roof. My stress has become almost a tangible monster.

I was unable to really practice my dream this year. Photography is the one thing in like that I want to do. It's the passion I want to make my life.

But, Atomic Lucite has flourished. I didn't keep an actual tally on sales but I can tell you it was high. Higher than I could have ever dreamed. 

I made a few new friends this year. Most of them came from the Internet and through Atomic Lucite. But, I adore them so much.

I went from a girl who felt like I could never belong in the Pinup community- to a girl that made her own way it. I have friends who encourage me.

My self esteem is just the same. I rarely post selfies because I feel like I'm being laughed at- even if I'm not. That's just me though, and it won't ever change. 

My wardrobe has grown and I have embraced skirts when I had hated them. I've learned to love crop tops. Wearing my dresses to a store makes me feel like a princess.

My dog turned 6 and he's still as crazy as ever. But he sleeps more. That's our own doing though- as we haven't stopped since we moved and he sleeps because he can't lift a hammer.

We moved to Ider, Alabama. Population of... not many. There's one restaurant here, and it sucks. I'm a city/suburban girl. This is too much some days. But, on days when Ibfeel so anxious- I'm glad to be here- away from all the people.

This world has gone to hell.

On a plus the Cubs won! I still smile just thinking about it!

And then I think of what happened right after that and my heart sinks into my stomach.

But, I'm officially really happy to see this year go. As a year, I wouldn't personally call it my worst I also wouldn't call it my personal best. It rode in the middle though it had good and bad spikes.

I'm eager to make 2017 a lot better though.

Panic Attack

I'm not sure what's different but my body has been changing a lot this year. I can actually feel hormonal shifts. I cry every few weeks, hysterically. I have more fear than usual. I think about going down hill fast (as in traveling down the mountain in the car) and my stomach plummets. I have always feared dropping and heights- but it's gotten a lot worse.

I rode Mission Space at Epcot this summer and spent far too much time worrying about the sensations I would get from the created G-force. Then Space Mountain made me want to vomit and die when I had rode it at least 5 times during my last visit and thought it was the best ride on Earth. I was so excited and I don't think I can go ever again. I nearly had a heart attack.

Yesterday, I went to Walmart (and I had also gone the day after Christmas). I had an actual panic attack in the store. I've thought I had had panic attacks in the past but this sensation was completely new to me.  So I'm guessing I used to have anxiety attacks, but not panic...

I felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I couldn't breathe. My stomach hurt. My vision got a bit blurry and dark around the edges. My world felt fake.

That's one thing that used to happen to me that hasn't in a long time. I would have moments where I almost felt like I was seeing outside my body. Life felt fake and sometimes all too real. It's extremely hard to explain. It was a Matrix like feeling and this was before the Matrix.

I'm not at all sure what's happening to me. I'm sure that it's all stress related- but it still overwhelms me. 

I could not calm down all night last night. I felt like a bundle of nerves. Slightly shaky, no desire to eat even though I needed to, my core feeling like it was a time bomb.

I ended up taking a Klonopin which helped slow the feelings even though this time I could feel them behind the little high I got. Usually they disappear completely and allow me extreme focus. I don't take Klonopin a lot- only when I need it. 

I guess a trip to the doctor is in order soon. 

 

 

Carrie Fisher

Carrie Fisher. I have all these thoughts I want to say and no words that form a coherent sentence. To the woman who played the role of one of the strongest most independent women that has actually helped shape me into the woman I am today...To the woman who suffered through mental illness and told her story, making it easier for all of us to speak up... To that beautiful lady and overall badass woman... sigh.

RIP Carrie. 💔

Fuck this year.

 

frustrating

It really sucks when the one person you want to talk to is the one person you're unable to talk to. 

This isn't about anyone in specific, I just find myself thinking about a few people and how I want to talk to them. Even if I did talk to them they probably wouldn't listen.

Oh well, that is life.