self care

Self care. That term has been thrown around a lot in the last few days leading up to the new year and following into it. I’ve noticed it a lot this year. I’m not sure if it’s always around and I miss it, or if it just pertains to me so I see it.

Either way. 2018’s main goal for me is exactly that: self care. Day one started with a Wonka-esque crash through the ceiling. I wasn’t in the elevator in the scenario, just standing wherever all that glass was falling.  Intent on my own demise.

Today, I woke up to the shortest nightmare I may have ever had. In my dream, I received a message. A message I had recently sent, only worded differently. It was the biggest slap in the face that my brain may have ever given myself. 

While I lay in bed conscious only of my racing heart- I realized what a selfish shit I was. My first thought was to apologize to the person that I had this conversation with, realizing only now just how absolutely stupid I was. (I knew it all along but the little taste of my own medicine was truly the cherry on top). 

But, I didn’t apologize. Words truly mean nothing in the grand scheme. I continued to toss and turn and I developed another feeling- the desire to take care of myself.

A good friend (a someone I don’t really know, but who is always there and jumps on me when he knows I’m struggling all the way back into my college days) provided -coincidentally- an article that needed some RE-reading. 

Everything I have done in the last week was completely against self-betterment. Every damn thing.  And, I hurt several people along the way due to this state of recklessness. 

I can no longer be this person. I must be calculating. I must learn from my mistakes and allow them to move me. I must live.

It’s a hard thing to do. I’m a sheltered woman that has grown afraid of everything around her. But, I got myself to this place. 

However, beyond that scared woman- I am extremely strong. I’ve pulled myself up off the floor and developed skills. I’ve created two jobs. I’ve become creative and I share my creations with others. 

This is where the article and my brain collide. If I could be strong enough to develop myself through my careers and hobbies, I can be strong enough to develop myself into whatever I need to be to grow. To be good. To not be afraid.

Figuring out that I needed to make this leap has been a long time coming and my feet have been dragging for quite some time. 

Today, in my brain- I took a baby step. I told myself what I need to fix. I gathered up the tools I know I have, and I am now trying to figure out how to use them to get me to take a big step. Then another. And another. Until I am at a run. 

Because that’s how I’m going to be doing things. This isn’t a resolution. This is me- realizing that in order to be beneficial towards anyone but my bed- I need to take care of me. 

Please note that it’s not necessarily my intention to make a blog at this time. I am using this place as a way to talk through my issues. Writing has always been that for me. Currently, some issues may seem like incoherent rambling. One day they may be complete nonsensical or completely clear. I’m not sure where writing will lead me- but I do know that it’s one of the best things I can do for myself.