2018

Hi old friend. 

They say that what you do on the first day of the year predicts what the rest of the year holds in store for you. 2017 was spent on a beach with family- immediate and also my Mom’s cousin and daughter. 

2017 brought me a lot of new friends and acquaintances. In a way, the beach stayed with me. I had a decent year. I was always surrounded by love in some form or another, just like the beach is for me- I guess you could say.

2017 was one of my more depressed years. It’s been a struggle to get through the anxiety and depression that seemed to arrive with the 2016 Christmas season. I spent several months medicated- but it took a beating on me physically. After quitting my pills- I continued to struggle- but tried my best to hide it.

Of course those that knew me well enough could see that I was having problems.

2017 brought great work to me and several successes. It brought a few people into my life that I never knew I needed there. It brought a person back into my life that I needed, though I had never realized it. 

Each of these people, both new and old have helped shape my year. While some proved to only be friends when they needed things from me- others proved that friendship can be completely unconditional. 

I learned a lot this past year. About life. About me.

The first day of 2018 has been extremely overwhelming. I’ve been laying in bed with thunder in my heart. My back is sore. I woke from bad dreams and fell straight into a pit of despair.  My cough from my recent flu is still present and won’t go away.

Physically my pain is nothing. Below it all, to my very soul, there is a pain that I’m not sure I’ve ever felt in my life. A pain that is persistent and strong. Knives literally cutting at the fiber of my being.

Why? Because I am afraid. Because I am weak. Because I know what’s logically the correct step but I’m afraid to stand up and make it happen. 

Fear rules me. Fear has ruled me for years. 

So, to the saying of the first day of the year predicts the rest of the year- how do I see that? Well, my usual self would say 2018 is going to be full of depression and anxiety and everything I feel today. Because that’s my usual. 

But, honestly, down there with that knife and tearing of my soul- do you know what I feel? I feel that this day will lead me to better days. Better things. A better me. 

Even in this pit of absolute depression- today I let in a little light.  

There is a small part of me with hope. And hope can heal all- if you just believe in it. And, I’m going to believe in it. I’m going to grow it. Celebrate it.

I guarantee anyone reading this that if I’m alive by the end of this year, the last day of this year will be the exact opposite of the first because the first day lead me there. 

Onwards.